This space for rent
Healing and then...
I know it’s been a few months since I wrote anything in here but ever since Frank died my life has been one big blur.
But things are getting back on track now and that is a good thing. I just finished a huge estate sale with a large part of his things and now I just need to clean up the yard and get rid of the rest of the stuff. I am in the process of deciding to get a loan to buy a manufactured home to put on my place. I am worried about being able to make the payments from then on ($570 a month vs. the $333. I make now) but I would have a great place that would be warmer in the winter and safer all the way around. Plus this is the time for a loan while the rates are low and the banks are dying to loan money. I have already spoken to someone that said I could get a fixed rate of 3-4% on a 30 yr loan. I owe $26,000 on my place now- so I would go from that small amount to owing a lot-but the trade off is worth it, isn’t it?
My dream home has three bedrooms (one for my office) and a great master bath with a garden tub for me. My kids think I should buy a little place but I have been in a little place for 30 yrs and want some space!!! It’s not much different in cost for what I want.
I am seven classes away from graduating with my bachelor’s degree- so I will then have student loans to pay on also. My biggest fear is that if I have no work during the summers can I afford all these payments with just my SSD? Web work is slow but I will be able to apply as an online instructor after I graduate which is my goal. I want to be able to teach online as well as here when the hiring frost is thawed. I get really excited when I think about it- a new home with real walls and not paper thin ones. Real walls!! A real home with a floor that doesn’t bounce when the washer is in spin cycle. A real home with a real kitchen and best of all, a linen closet!! I have no linen closet now and it sucks. I just am a bit scared because I have to do this all by myself. I am sure my son will help as he can with moving things for me but otherwise- it’s scary!! A friend of mine just told me that she rented a storage unit for two months- got a trailer to live in and had it all done in two months time- and in winter!! So that gives me more hope. Of course she doesn’t have a crippled back but hey, if she can do it, so can I. She was a lot younger too when she did this (38 compared to my 54) but I know I can do it. I will do it!! If I can get the loan then I am good to go.
I am back at the college working in the ITC again, but this time we are doing everything ourselves in there. We get no help from the techs unless we beg for it and I told my boss forget that- I can install monitors, programs etc as well as they can. So that is what I have been doing. I switched out four 19: monitors for 22” widescreens (which I don’t like) and we installed our new robotic disc duplicator. It’s a piece of junk as far as I am concerned but oh well.
I have been really swamped with that and doing research online for other items also. We have CS4 installed on all of the computers in the college labs now but we have discovered a major problem in exporting videos from Premiere Pro CS4. You used to be able to just click on Export> movie and make it a raw AVI that you could import to Encore to make a menu or further work on it. I finally found the way to export it to Encore, but you have to jump through some hoops to export it as just an AVI file. None of this will make sense to those of you that don’t do video work but it will to those that do.
And yes, you Macfreaks, I know that final cut pro is sooo much better. Be we are stuck with pcs and so that is that. The worst part about this mess is that it is a common bug and everyone is hoping that CS 4.5 will be better. Well that is groovy but the college can’t just swap out $25,000.00 worth of software like that. So I had to research a work around and I found it-fortunately on the adobe website. It turns out it is an issue with upgrading from CS3. Many people in the forums said screw it and use PP CS3. I just may do that myself here at home. I have a video class coming up soon-I think this will be my 6th? Geesh..
Well it is a multimedia degree….
And now I get a call from my son who was starting to get back on track,,only to find out some chick lied to him to have sex with him and now she is crying rape and is only 15. Funny she was hanging around a bar all night long.
So of course his (cheating) gf kicked him out, told him SHE was pregnant and now he is trying to find a lawyer. Heh, with what money?
All I can do is slap myself on the forehead and ask why why why.....
He just turned 29. He has NO idea why he does what he does. Who do I ask then I asked him. Who do I ask WHY you don't think anymore- who is controlling your body and your brain? WHO????
Lord have mercy. That is all I can say...
The passing of Frank....
On July 22, my best friend Frank died. I went to see him in the long term care unit he had been in since Feb of 2009 and then spoke at length with the social worker there. They were concerned about his sudden lack of memory and his need for increased oxygen. They had been keeping him on it for the previous week, which he had told me.
I couldnt' stay long- which bothered him I know- and I felt terrible about it each time. But I was so busy running around doing errands and trying to get this Social Security mess fixed. I thought Monday, the 20th was his birthday, but I was a day off. Moon landing day he had told me. It was the day before.
I brought him some fresh jalepeno peppers- his favorite 'snack'. He ate them like that fresh, like I would eat an apple. Ugh. Iron stomach. Being Hispanic I guess helps.
On Tuesday I had to go to Modesto- a 150 mile round trip for me- to file an appeal at the Modesto SSA office since I was not up to trusting the office here in Sonora. I had told Frank I was going. I had to turn off my phone in their office and was in there for two hours.
When I stepped outside I received a message from the social worker at the hospital telling me Frank was in the ER and not doing well.
I rushed from Modesto and went straight to the hospital and stayed with him until after 11pm. I would have stayed but my 11 yr old dog had been locked up since 8 am and I was exhausted.
The last thing Frank said to me was "Think positive, think positive, think positive." Meaning, that after having had 8 strokes and 8 heart attacks, he was going to beat this because he just had to. He slipped into a coma and died the next morning.
Frank and I had been looking for his daughter for the last 6 yrs. He had been back in Sonora since 1998 and had seen her a few times, even traveled to Fremont to see her (a three and a half hour drive from here) in his 1973 Chevy p/u that had been his dad's. It was barely running at the time.
Over the course of the next 11 yrs Frank had many strokes and heart attacks. He was born with a bad heart and had left Sonora in 1981 to have a valve replacement done down in San Jose, where he was originally from.
We lost contact for a short time in which I thought he had gone back to Fremont, but he was just leaving me alone since he knew I had a lot on my plate at the time and he was in need of a lot of help that I just couldn't offer.
I felt terrible about that for a long time but I made it up to him. We talked about it, he was forgiving and I was apologetic.
We have been friends for 33 yrs. I would come visit him once he got his own place back in 2005- he stayed with us for about 9 months until he could get into the low-income apartments. Frank was terribly disabled from not only his work-related injuries but also from diabetes and his heart condition.He was in constant pain, day and night. It was so sad to see him like that- and try as I might I couldn't help him with that pain. But it was his heart in the end, that gave out.
Over the last four years Frank and I became very close friends. I could tell him anything and he would listen. We spoke online or on the phone almost daily- I would worry about him if I didn't see him online or hear from him so I called him to see if he was okay.
While he still had his truck he traveled mostly by bus in his wheelchair- and while he was a fairly private person and very shy, he made friends with a lot of people. Always quick to give advice and be a listening ear, he wasn't opposed to taking strays off of the street until they could get it together.
He was a great musician also.
He loved music. He was a wonderful guitar and keyboard player and he wrote many songs that he dedicated to his daughter. He was re-united through Classmates.com with some old high school buddies that he had been in a band with and that really made him happy. They traveled a long way to come see him more than once after that.
I tried my best to be a good friend to Frank. He gave his daughter my first name as her middle name. Once upon a time when we worked together- he as a tow truck driver and me as a gas jockey/dispatcher- he had some pretty strong feelings for me. I never let on that I knew but I was already with someone that later became my husband. I guess those feelings lasted a lot longer than I knew- at least until we talked about it.
But we loved each other as friends no matter what. The last five months Frank had been in a long-term care unit where everyone loved him, no matter how grumpy he got. I went and got his mail for him twice a week and got things out of his apartment for him. I saw him as much as I could until the smell of that place drove me nuts. But I still came- I just wish I had stayed longer on that last Monday.
The worst part was we never could find his daughter- until after he died of course. Seems the law has no issues finding a 12 yr old girl to let her know her dad died, but to heck with trying to find her so he could tell her he loved her himself one more time. We tried everything we could- from the finder dude on tv to online paid searches to Social Security. Nothing worked. Had I known the law might have looked for me I would have taken Frank to the Sheriff's office myself- but he hated the law. I could have at least proved to them that he wasn't about to abduct his daughter or kill her mom-he just wanted a phone conversation with her. But his memory was so bad from the strokes that he never told me about a small piece of paper at the bottom of his wallet. A piece that had Destiny's mom's drivers license on it. That is what the sheriff used to find her. No problem.
So I had a bittersweet meeting with the 12 yr old daughter of my best friend, after he died. She carries my name and looks just like her dad. We hugged, we cried and I gave her things in his apartment that meant a lot to him.
I told her I made her dad two promises. One was to find her no matter what and tell her how much her dad loved her, missed her and thought about her all the time. The second one was to start a trust fund for her. I have fulfilled one promise and I only need her ssn to complete the second one.
I may not be able to take care of his things as I said I would, they took the key and haven't been back, but I did the best I could.
Rest in peace my good friend Frank. You are now no longer in pain. Your daughter knows how much you missed and loved her and she feels the pain of missing out on knowing you better, but she is happy that she now knows the truth.
You are missed daily.
Here are some photos of Frank:
Frank and his signed guitar
Frank's other love-RC Helicopters
Frank's first love-Destiny Jana Rubio
Summer marches on....
I want to thank everyone for their heartfelt thoughts on the loss of my Crouton. I just picked up her ashes yesterday. At least she is now home. I do miss her, especially at night.
But last night I woke myself up laughing. Yes, laughing in my sleep. Then I laughed at the fact that I woke myself up laughing and fell right back to sleep. But it was enough that I did remember it this morning. So life goes on..
I have been so freaken busy that I have barely a day to myself. Well today is one of those and if I can help it the rest of the week will be also.
Next week I am going to be running around for three days in a row running errands, doctor’s appointments, etc. So this week I get some rest. I was so tired last week that when I saw my daughter on Sunday she thought something was wrong with me because I was so quiet. Well being a zombie will do that to a gal…
So I have been forcing myself to bed at my normal time of 10 pm instead of midnight which is so easy for me to do. I have been feeling better already! Sleep is really not appreciated very much except by our teenagers who seem to think that sleeping 17 hours a day is normal and necessary.
My daughter has started her internship in Yosemite valley and is doing really well. She supervises a bunch of volunteers that come and they remove ‘noxious and invasive species plants’ all around the valley floor. Why the heck anyone would volunteer for that is beyond me!! She said they pulled out 500 square feet of blackberrie brambles last week. OUCH. Those are nasty plants and they do take over. In the back woods here we gather the berries in August but so many of them are near the roads that I quit eating them. Who knows what they suck up in the soil by the side of the road? Lead used to be the problem but not as much anymore with the no lead gases. Still. Yuk. When I moved here in 1976 my boyfriend (Josh’s dad) and I used to harvest food all over this county. Wild apples, pears, grapes and berries. It was a veritble feast. Progress (if that is what you want to call it) has taken out many of the areas that had this free food. But it is still out there for the taking if you want it. There are abadoned apple orchards all over this county from the 1800s. Truly. There is a large one in Yosemite also that the bears frequent every night. I never knew that beart paddies were so huge!!
Not many know where that orchard is either and I am not telling.
But I don’t collect that stuff anymore. It just takes so much energy to gather it, clean it and then can it up. I have no freezer space so I would have to can. Maybe canning again isn’t a bad idea with the cost of foods these days. Canned tomatoes would be the way to go- I use those more than canned fruit in the winter.
I have been returning to a lot of my old ways ever since both kids have flown the nest. Almost all organic food now, loads of veggies, no sugar in the house, even less chicken and fish now. Mostly all vegetarian dishes. Lots of rice and veggies. So how come I am still battling the bulge? Well- not being able to exercise like I did thanks to my FM and the muscle pain I have. But I still do my yoga and am walking more now. I also got a book and some audio mp3s from Jon Gabriel who lost over 200 lbs with this method he started. No diets, no tricks. Just some common sense and thoughts about being safe. I don’t know how much it will help but since I was last weighed a month or two ago I have lost 6 lbs. Now I couldn’t tell you if it was from being more active or eating less (not last night!) or this thought process but I don’t care. If I keep going I will finally start shedding this excess weight. I have to do this on my own- I cannot afford pills, shots or the gym. So wish me luck and I will let you know how it is going. I may not lose anything but I am determined to this time. I HAVE TO. Its that simple. I have to lose this weight for my health. So no shortcuts, just hard work and determination. The problem I have seen is that if you only have 25-35 lbs to lose it is much harder than losing over 100lbs!! I have no idea why, but really obese peopele seem to lose weight faster. And my age is a factor also.
So I am not obessessing over it but I am working on it. I did splurge on beer and pizza Tuesday night when the Wings were playing game 6 of the finals. Friday is the last game. I am switching back to Bloody Marys for way less calories and will eat a sensible meal instead of cheap pizza. Yuk. I paid for that dearly later on as it is!!
I have no clue if I will be able to get away this summer at all. My cousin wants me to come down on the July 4th weekend as Poppa and my aunt will be there. So I may jet down there then. I want to go to the beach and D and talked a tiny bit about going together, but I haven’t heard a peep from him since. So we shall see.
So that is all that is happening here in the hills of the Sierras. I am updating my vet tech blog today also but have a ton of homework and web work to do. Photoshop work for an old friend that is an acupuncturist. I told him I would trade with him for some treatments that can help my FM and maybe this muscle pain. Awesome!
So I better get to it.
Peace to all. Have a great and safe summer.
Half Dome-Yosemite Valley
photo by Jemma Williams
Ummm ya...
Well,
I have to tell you, the last three weeks have been a blur. Last Saturday I lost my 15 yr old cat Crouton. She was my girl, my baby that slept with me every night, rode around on my shoulders all the time, and was a funny, and beautiful girl.
She was fine until two weeks ago and then almost overnight she went into massive renal failure. I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of time. Over the last two years she had a couple of episodes of being dehydrated and lethargic.
So I was waiting for the other shoe to fall, so to speak.
And it did. I did hospice care at home here for her for a week and a half but on Saturday morning I found her under Jemma's bed hiding, and I knew it was time.
So ends one era of my life. It is very odd but that is what happens when my animals go- having stretched their lives through so many things in my life, they end whole chapters. She was my last connection to Floyd, my cat that lived to be 19. He was my last connection to moving here in 1979- to this house that is. So on and on it goes. Annie Mouse will be my last connection to where I worked for 20 yrs and adopted her from. Not to mention to Cameo. And Zinny, Jemma's cat that lives with me, will be my last connection to both Crouton, Cameo and Annie Mouse.
It is really strange I know, but I mark time that way I guess. Crouton was with me through both of my kids growing up and leaving home. She marked freedom for us all, as I got her the summer after my divorce was started.
She was there with me through my Mom dieing. Through the hell I went through with D. Through losing Cameo.
She was always there. And now she is gone. I am heartbroken but I have learned since losing my Mom that nothing is permanent except impermanence. She is no longer suffering from kidneys that won't work. She is at peace and having given me everything she could for 15 yrs, I gave her the ultimate gift of ending her suffering. I tell all my clients that, but it is so damn hard to do it yourself when you are a vet tech. We always keep trying more, more, more. It's just hard to let go. I waited until she told me she was ready- and told me she did. When I pulled her out from under the bed, she gave me the 'look'.
So I heeded her message and took her down to the hospital where I had gotten her 15 yrs before.And in the same room that we met in so long ago, she took her last breath. I was sobbing of course over her, holding her head and whispering to her, but it was fast and peaceful.
I am getting used to her not being her but I keep looking for her every day. It's just the way it is.
I felt really bad that the one week before I put her down I was so busy I was gone most of the time. She was here sleeping anyway, but I still felt bad I wasn't here to sit with her. I did take a day or two and did just that.
So forgive my absence. I have been so busy otherwise on top of that that I haven't had a moment to read blogs let alone post one. I haven't seen many new blogs anyway and I am wondering why. Maybe everyone is busy with summer. Between here and EFX2, blogspot and Vox we are so scattered I really hate it.
Fractured. Just like my heart at the moment. But fractures do heal in time......
Rest in peace my beautiful Crouton.
Wiggle Room....
Well the Wings won their last game against the Ducks (don’t read this Laurie) so there is a chance for us as we go back to the Joe Louis Arena on Sunday. I am going to be on the edge of my seat the whole time. If we lose we have one more chance which will take this game to 7 for sure. If we win we will have to win two more which will still take the game to seven. So at this point it gets really nerve wracking.
Other than that.. I am enjoying my time off of work. I am driving to the school every other day to take care of Rebecca, who happens to be a 7 ft long red tail boa. I took a ton of pictures of him (yes it is a he- they didn’t know that at first) but they are on my desktop computer which is down right now and reinstalling Windoze XP Pro. I cloned my hard drive onto a new drive as I was having boot up issues and now I am getting a weird install error so I decided to wipe the new drive and do a fresh install. It is taking a really long time for some reason so I am stuck with the old laptop of mine with the crazy mouse. It’s a lazer mouse I bought but it acts like an optical yet it jumps like craZy all over the place. I slowed down the mouse properties in the c.p. but it didn’t help a lot.
If anyone has had issues with one of these please let me know. The worst part of my desktop being down is that my drawing class is ending right now and I needed to be able to scan stuff with my printer. What a pain…
Today I am heading out across the river to an art walk in the cute little town of Murphys. The Mother Lode parade is today (second longest in length parade in the usa) so I usually leave town or stay home. I thought it would be good to get out of Dodge so to speak. The parade and subsequent rodeos really bring out the cowboys and the rednecks in this good ole town. Thanks but I will skip it. I guess I should be grateful for the progress this town has made over the last 34 yrs but it was a much nice place to live back then-rednecks included.
Oh well such is life. And by the way, I am meeting up with a very cute male friend of mine…. (wink wink)
Happy Saturday and if I am not here tomorrow- Happy Mother’s Day to all those Mothers and mothers to be.
I already wished my Mom one……..
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